Advent Calender #6: Battleship

Let’s be honest, Christmas is rarely the season of peace and love it is billed as. Sometimes it can be a war-zone. Literally. All right well not literally, but in the 6th instalment of our Advent Calender series, Jeanette Karen tells us why 2012 flop Battleship is the perfect seasonal stress-buster this Christmas.

This will not impress Liam Neeson

Ah, it’s Christmas time again, the season for eating some exceptionally terrible combinations of food and bankrupting ourselves to prove our love via the convenience of materialism, how joyous. All cynicism aside, I love this time of year, when else is it perfectly normal to eat chocolate for breakfast? Plus is the perfect time to just sit and watch films by fairy light and ignore that ever growing festive to do list.

This festive season’s pick has been the delightfully mind numbing ‘Battleship’ a film Mark Kermode included on his ’10 Worst Films of 2012’. It’s over 2 hours of clichés, explosions, Liam Neeson and alien ships that look like they were rejected from ‘Transformers’ for being a little too camp, but fire some pretty awesome looking spinny chain things of doom. All very loosely based on a board game.

The film follows your classic hero in waiting who happens to be a bit of a douchebag, who, after a rather hilarious robbery to woo a girl with a stolen chicken burrito, leads to him being forcible drafted into the Navy by his upstanding brother, as well as being repeatedly tasered in the arse. Following a series of predictable plot twists and lot of things exploding, our hero saves the world but still fails to impress Liam Neeson.

The joy of movies like Battleship is that they just exist to look awesome. There’s no intelligent plot line to follow, it is quite literally some navy ships and some alien ships twating the fuckity out of each other with some rousing music and comfortably simple characters and tropes that we’re all familiar with. Plus you can draw parallels with the battles going on in the film with what is probably going in reality as you navigate the turbulent waters that is the Christmas season, just with a much less glamorous cast and lacking the great CGI.

Seems no matter how relaxed your household is, you can still end up getting swept up in the overwhelming pressure that your Christmas time needs to as perfect as a Pinterest tutorial. This, coupled with the expense of everything, ‘Mistletoe & Wine’ playing everywhere and suddenly being forced into close quarters with distant family you only ever see once in a blue moon is inevitably going to cause a few tempers to fray. One sentence in a tone that could be misconstrued as passive aggressive paired with some burnt parsnips and next thing you know expletives and roast potatoes are flying across the kitchen like the alien spinny chain things of doom.

The festive season sometimes seems to be perfectly designed to incite as much stress and anger one human can take; however, it’s simplistic films like this that can really help alleviate that. How? Because watching things go ‘BOOM’ when you’re near homicidal is incredibly therapeutic. You can imagine all the things (or people) that are annoying are on screen and being blown to smithereens and suddenly everything feels ok again.

Plus let’s face it; a DVD is cheaper than a therapist, or a barrister because all that pent up rage didn’t get channeled into watching things explode, but into smacking one of your family members over the head with a saucepan.

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