OMG! I CAN’T EVEN. THIS IS EVERYTHING. So it’s official, The Lion King is getting a live action remake – and Hollywood Hegemony is here to confirm everything you need to know about this amazing cinematic re-imagining. SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY, #amIright? So in honour of the various Buzzfeed-type sites currently pandering to the swarm of salivating millennials already congregating outside Vue in anticipation, here’s a listicle – since that’s all you people seem to understand – telling you all about it.
It could be said that Rogue One was one of the most disappointing releases of 2016. I won’t be saying that though, because I wasn’t stupid enough to be roped in by the hype – it was never going to be anything but a sad piece of fan-fellatio; a blend of bright colours and loud noises that did the barest-fucking-minimum in adding to the Star Wars story, while maximising box office performance. To be honest, I wasn’t going to even bother with this – I missed most of 2016 doing my film festival, and was going to do a catch-up post – but it turns out in my absence most of you have developed the most repulsive of diseases; brand loyalty. It’s like you spent too much on plastic Stormtrooper gear to admit to yourselves this was a bad mis-step. Continue reading
A friend of mine said “You know the theory that infinite monkeys with infinite typewriters will eventually write Shakespeare? Well pretty early on in that process they must have written the absolute shitshow that is Terminator: Genisys.” I can’t top that for Ebert-esque snarkery, so if all you need to know is if the film is any “good”, you have your answer courtesy of Aisha Brady. I do, inevitably, have something rather more long-winded about just why this movie sucks though.
For a film primarily set in the future, this is a historically and thematically regressive film, to the extent you feel as though your very DNA is devolving throughout its two-lighter running time. This film is not so much a futuristic cyborg as it is a single-celled biological accident, flailing haphazardly about in the primordial soup of backwater cinema. In the end, when it is superseded with ease by better made, smarter films, it will only be remembered – if at all – as one of evolution’s cataclysmic mistakes. Continue reading
Still from years ago, slightly improved on the criticism of content, and talking about underlying racism and sexism in this film, but I still had a way to go.
In the early stages of this film, the future father-in-law of happless dentist Stu compares him to a bland, watery, milky rice substance, which is enjoyed by infants, the old people and those with learning disabilities. I would compare this pointless second outing to that very substance Continue reading